ROLES WITHIN THE FAMILY
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By Anne Donegan Costas
INTRODUCTION OF ROLES IN A FAMILY
Ever thought about the role you play in your family? Did you even know there was such a thing? I find it to be extremely interesting that each child assumes a role in the family to which they are born. This would be called your family of origin or nuclear family. It is not a conscious decision nor do most of us ever think about it. I didn’t learn about roles until I went to counseling myself years ago and then went to get an MEd in Education/Counseling. So if you know nothing about this subject–have no fear. I do find it fascinating and you might too. This blog will only wet your appetite because there is so much information about this subject.
CHILDHOOD ROLES
These roles are rarely discussed in families. But it is sort of like being in a play. Once a child takes this role it typically sticks with them throughout their lifetime within their family of origin. Roles may or may not be repeated within a family. These roles to which I refer generally include hero, mascot/caretaker, lost child, enabler, addict/dependent, clown. You might remember as you grew up hearing phrases like, “Sue is the funny one in the family. She is the one who makes us all laugh.” Larry is the one who always makes great grades.” He is the smart one. “Martha is the athlete of the family.” She is an incredible player. “John is the troublemaker. It seems he is consantly in trouble with his teachers.”
ADULT ROLES
As we grow from children to adults we may keep the basics of our childhood role. But as we mature, change, discover talents, education, etc. we will be different as an adult . If we were the one that was the “troublemaker” we might still be in trouble a lot: with the law, in our marriage, etc. However, often times, that troublemaker will outgrow that role or, perhaps he wasn’t really as bad as he was labeled. But when that “troublemaker” goes home for Christmas his family may still tease him as being a troublemaker. The child who was known as being late all the time may be teased about being late even if they are never late anymore as an adult.
COMPLICATIONS OF ROLES IN ADULTHOOD
There may be times of tension when the family gets together for times of celebration during the year. Even though we change and are not the same person we were at age 10 and don’t do all the same annoying things we did at that age–our family oftentimes perceives us as that same person and may treat us as that 10 year old. Each family member often will do it to one another unintentionally. It can become an issue is it causes hurt feelings or causes disagreements. As we age we find that those family roles that we played do not serve us well in adulthood. When we gather with our family of origin, our childhood family, we automatically revert to those roles even if they were painful.
Summary of Roles
If you are experiencing tensions when your family gets together it might be interesting for you to watch how family members interact and treat one another. If there are problems talk to someone who is knowledgable in the field and do some reading about the family system. You may find the journey rewarding!