POWER STRUGGLES
0
By Anne Donegan Costas
Keep the road open for good communication.
POWER STRUGGLES
Power struggles are between any two people vying for power for that moment. The power struggle can be between parent and child, teacher and child, or peers of any age. How do they get started and what can we do about them are two questions I hope to answer.
POWER STRUGGLES ~~ In The Home
A power struggle can and does often happen quickly before one even realizes they have been pulled into it. A parent can ask a child to do a routine chore that the child does on a regular basis. He/She might be asked to take the trash out, make a bed, help with dinner or any number of things. Perhaps the child/young adult comes out ready for school and the parent says the dress is inappropriate. This could be a conversation the parent has had many times with their child or this could be the first time. It could be a request to see their homework or have them get their books together by the back door to be ready in the morning. Anything that is a request by one can be turned into a struggle by the other.
POWER STRUGGLES ~~ In School Settings
A power struggle in school might occur in the hallway, classroom, office area or anywhere on campus. A teacher might remind a student to remove his cap when he comes into the building or classroom. A student might be asked to remain seated during the lesson and wait to sharpen his/her pencil until the “direct teach” ** is over. To refrain from talking during the test may be the request or put notes away during testing. The request could be in the cafeteria concerning standing in the line properly.
QUESTIONS OR STRUGGLE FOR POWER?
After the request has been made whether at home or at school instead of doing what is asked the student chooses to ask questions about it. He/She might ask why they can’t wear their hats or states that other teachers allow it. The educator might respond with a very sensible answer. For example, the school rule in the handbook states that hats are not to be worn inside the buildings. Please remove the hat. OR, my class rules are you don’t get up and sharpen pencils during the teaching part of the lesson. Concerning the being dressed appropriately the child may argue that this is their favorite shirt or dress and ask why can’t they wear it? To answer any of these questions/statements for the student or child once is appropriate. Especially if they have not heard the class rules before or the particular discussion about that issue has not been discussed. This would not be a power stuggle. So when does it become a power stuggle?
BECOMING A POWER STRUGGLE
If the student or child accepts the answer given and complies then it is over. However, if they do not comply, but choose instead to continue arguing your next move is importantl. This is where some make a mistake. We choose to engage with the student and continue answering or arguing about the issue trying to make our case and trying to get the other person to understand. Typically, the other person has understood what is being asked and just doesn’t want to comply. When the adult continues the arguing with the student then the student is getting what he/she wants. He/She often wants to get into an argument. This is where the struggle for power begins.
STOP ARGUING ~ STOP ANSWERING QUESTIONS
After the initial request and answer (if the child has asked for an explanation) there needs to be no more discussion. The adult in charge needs to repeat the request, “take off your hat, or I will have to take it.” An adminstrator may need to be called in rare instances. Typically, teachers are able to handle this in class. However, it is vital to handle it before the teacher and student become angry. In the home setting if the arguing continues the parent can take away a privilege for that evening. It doesn’t have to be a long term punishment–save those for the more serious events.
IN SUMMARY, make a request, explain the request if asked to, and carry through on request. End of conversation. Sounds easy but takes a lot of self discipline and restraint on the part of adults because we want to win the power struggle just as much as they do. Practice! We all feel better when we don’t allow it to escalate and become bigger than it needs to be.
BE WELL~
**Direct teach is a phrase we use in education meaning the teacher is teaching the lesson.
Other articles helpful regarding power struggles:
Click here~Power Struggles
Eighteen Ways To Avoid Power Struggles